What do you think of this poem?

It's ok. You have your commas in the wrong places--really you don't need them at all. You do need periods at the ends of all sentences. You have the potential to become one. I suggest that you do a lot of reading of other published poets poetry to see how it's done. Also ask your English teacher to help you. I'm sure they won't mind if they see you really want help and enjoy writing.